My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
this is an emotional support booty call
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
