You can't special order awesome
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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