highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
