So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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