My liver just broke up with me...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
