I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
