I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My feet surprised me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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