Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
