i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
