She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
