part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You took a bar mat shot.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
