Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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