If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
