She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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