Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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