She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
