SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize