I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
