I smell stomach acid.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
