he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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