R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i will never coherently bang her
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
