I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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