he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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