when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
