your room smells of hookers.
And success
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
BRING THE BAGELS
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
