I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
