I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
