If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
