Can i not drive my cunt home
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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