the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
