as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
