There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
