Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
