Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
