good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
