I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
