I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
