Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
