Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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