if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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