i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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