mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
