They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
