so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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