I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
