the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize