so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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