my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
