whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
