I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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