I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
