Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Houston, we have a squirter
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
