I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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