I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Still dying that you shit outside
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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