I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize