I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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