theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Such a big mess for such a small penis
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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