You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
