This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
