Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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