she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
