"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
