That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize