I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
