there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
