There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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