I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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